Wednesday, January 14, 2009

How to Make a Relationship Fail

i thought i'd try to write something a little advice columny so this is my ode to romantic blogs... my offering of the wisdom that i've acquired in both my personal travels and through observations. i refuse to admit which are observations and which are personal experiences, and i don't encourage you to guess. if any of this saves your life and/or relationship i will be more than happy to accept checks or money orders, contact me privately for details.

i've seen many things in my lifetime, well maybe not many... but lots. one of the things i've seen is failed relationships. since i've only seen maybe three or four lasting relationships in my life (that i can remember) i decided to list some surefire ways to kill romance faster than a summer at camp crystal lake.

1. being clingy. clinginess is something that you don't even want your socks doing, why would you want a person doing it? people generally show signs early on that they might become clingy... i.e. asking where you are all the time, wanting to do everything with you, pretending that they like your stupid friends, and even adopting hobbies of yours. all of these signs should be avoided. here are the reasons:

a. nobody but you likes your stupid friends, and anyone you date should have their own stupid friends. only when two people are married should they have "mutual" friends, and even then there should be a distinction drawn because eventually you're going to want to tell your stupid bff that your girlfriend/wife is a bitch and you don't want him rushing off to the bathroom to call her on his cell. this is the same for women who want to complain to their bff about their jackass husband/boyfriend.

b. if your significant other was interested in your stupid hobbies they would have already been involved in them prior to your relationship.

c. the only people who should know where you are every second of the day are jesus and your parole officer. everyone needs five seconds of peace sometimes to reflect on things.

2. cheating. this one is obvious but i will still spell it out because i like the way i write.

a. people who cheat don't change. one may learn not to cheat, and that's fine, but that type of cheater is rare.

b. most people who cheat do so because they can't think past the next five minutes and have trouble understanding consequences. if they can't understand a simple rule like "don't bone anyone else" why would you want to plan a life with them?

c. the most common excuse for cheating is "it just happened so fast". this is crap because everyone is aware at any given time of every aspect of everything that they are interested in... you weren't surprised by your secretary's advances, that shit was in the works for months. you saw it coming and encouraged it. someone who is surprised by a sexual advance and is powerless to stop it is called a rape victim, so file charges or admit you cheated.

3. letting yourself go.

a. chances are you're not a raving beauty queen, so when someone commits their romantic life to you the least you can do for them is to not let yourself get any sloppier.

b. your friends will tell you that someone should be "loving you for you", but isn't love based on a series of impressions both emotional and physical? what's left when what you fall in love with is gone? aging is going to occur, but there's no reason why two people shouldn't become old and ugly at a similar rate.

4. being so close with your family and parents that they are your best friends ever. there are multiple reasons for this one:

a. it's creepy to date someone and have their mom ask you about a rash you had. people like this don't have the sense to keep some things private.

b. you're not going to get a fair shake if something goes down because the family of a normal person is already going to dislike you afterwards, but a super tight knit family that doesn't have any friends outside of themselves is likely to slash your tires and smash your windshield.

5. not showing any interest at all in what your loved one is doing. the reasons that this is a romance killer are many and multi-faceted:

a. if you don't show any jealousy at all, this gives the person reason to think that you don't care what they do, thus encouraging cheating. if you show too much, it goes back to the number one issue of clinginess... use your better judgement. don't follow someone to work with dark glasses and watch the building, but do ask them why they were 3 hours late getting home and then accept whatever answer they give. it shows you're watching them, but not in a constrictive way.

b. most people are involved in hobbies that nobody really cares about, i.e. scrap booking and writing limericks. a nominal amount of interest should be paid no matter how boring the hobby is, things like "that's nice, when did you take that picture and paste shit to it and put it in a big book that nobody wants to look at?" are good things to ask every now and then. show some interest. it's not rocket science.

c. there's always going to be some chump that is waiting on the sidelines for you to screw up. you need to know who this person is and the only way to know is to periodically ask about their life when they're not with you.

6. back handed compliments. this one is a bit tricky. you don't want to lie and tell someone they look much better than they do, but you want them to feel good about themselves.

a. the best way to avoid this trap is just to give surprise compliments. every once in a while just stare at them and when they ask what you're looking at pick something about their face. "i was just thinking that you have perfect eyelashes" or "i was looking at your bottom lip, it's so cute".

b. don't say things like "you look great since you lost all that weight." this is a backhanded compliment that implies that they were a pity bone before, but now you actually want to have sex with them. nobody appreciates a compliment like that. instead say something like "you look great."

c. don't compliment too much, you don't want them getting a swelled head and using all of their newfound false confidence against you. and you don't want them looking at you like they could do better.

7. opposite sex bff's, if you're a homosexual this still applies to attractive same sex bff's. this one is just irritating.

a. nobody wants to see the one they love doing all of the things with someone else that they should be doing with you. it doesn't matter that friday has always been movie and dinner night with your male bff, you need to switch it up to a less obtrusive daytime activity. maybe scrap booking.

b. it's also irritating for your s.o. to see old friends of yours ask "you still hang out with so and so? everyone thought you two would be married by now."

8. mixed couples. no i'm not talking about interracial, i'm talking about cute/ugly. this is a recipe for disaster. here is why:

a. if the male is more attractive than the female, chances are he's with her because she's easy to please and conveniently enough is more afraid of losing him than he is of her. he is probably also one of those guys who was ugly as a child and retains that sense of physical failure. he will undoubtedly be told by countless women at work and elsewhere that he is attractive and eventually it will sink in. when it does, and he realizes that the playing field is tipped in his favor... he will jump ship. chicks think that a cute guy with an ugly girl is hot, it's because we know we won't have to work as hard to get him. always comparing... sigh.

b. if the female is more attractive than the male then she is dying to let herself go. i hope you've paid attention because this goes back to number 6 and has to do with over complimenting... by the time she does let herself go his ugly head will have already been falsely swelled by her fake compliments and he'll be ready to head out the door for an imaginary better deal.

9. party people. never ever ever get involved with a party person.

a. they have eight million friends who only know them casually and hence aren't privy to their many irritating habits.

b. they are told over and over that they are great by people who wouldn't know otherwise anyways, and their heads are swelled to unimaginable proportions because of it. they don't have to be attractive, they just have to be overly social.

c. they mainly are a romance killer because being involved with one means that you have to become a party person too. if you don't, you will have no idea whether they're coming or going and they tend to make spur of the moment decisions with nobody in mind but themselves. if you're not there when one of these decisions is made you'll be getting that call to pick them up from the police station and bring them some clothes.

10. constructive criticism. there is a way to get people to do what you'd like them to do without nagging them, it's called tricking them.

a. most people nag... i.e. "you said you were going to join a gym!" or "you told me you were going to get a job!" these methods never work. the trick is to make someone think of something as their idea, and then reinforce it. "so have you been looking at gym memberships? i think that's so great that you're going to do that, i'd love to have the willpower that you do!" this will cause them to think that they will be letting you down by not following through. everyone secretly wants to be a hero to someone.

b. telling someone that they should dress like they dressed when you met is no good. it's counter productive because they will stop dressing for you and start dressing for someone else who notices nice things about them instead of only negative things.

c. they will start complaining to their friends about you and nobody wants to be on the bad side of a bunch of hating friends, male or female. you'll look like a prick, and he/she won't dress any better.

d. if it's the woman who is told she looks shitty her friends will tell her that the man is an asshole and he's not worth it. if she's smart, she'll believe this. if it's a man his friends will tell him that he "could do better anyways, she's looking dumpy these days" and if he's smart, he will believe them. it's a lose lose situation.

well there are the top ten reasons for relationship failure that i can think of, i hope they have helped someone, god knows i'm hoping that this vast array of knowledge will one day help me.

1 comment:

  1. OK, got it. No ugly chicks, don't tell her that she doesn't sweat much for a fat lass and try and trick her into doing stuff at every opportunity. Reckon that should all be pretty simple.