Friday, February 13, 2009

Happy Valentine's Day

valentines day guide

on valentines day it is important to know what type of person you are dealing with so that you can be prepared to provide the best valentines day they have ever experienced. different types of people place varying amounts of importance on this day of love and it can easily turn into a day of infamy if you are careless... a little preparation can go a long way.

the following are the different categories that women fall into on this day:

the "you better not fuck this up!" type.

this is the person who has waited all year for this day, she is hanging all of her hopes for your future together on whether or not you get her the perfect gift. it doesn't matter if you've spent hours massaging her weekly and bought her roses every day that you've been together. all of these seemingly innocuously sweet things will only set the bar impossibly high for you on this special day. you will have to take everything that you have done for her in the past and triple it, because this crazy bitch will lose her mind if you "only" massage her for hours and bring her roses. because of the standard you've set for "ordinary" days she will be expecting you to build her a mansion out of marshmallows and popsicle sticks and be waiting inside in a thong with a million dollars. don't fuck this up.

the "you don't have to get me anything special, it's just a day:-)" type.

this is a lie. don't fall for it. this means that she has been continuously disappointed by you and is going to break up with you or at least make you miserable if you don't deliver something, anything... this valentines day. it won't take much to please her, just try to let her have control of the tv and pick her up a card. it's important that you choose a good card though, and don't just sign it... write something in it in addition to whatever cheesy sentiment it already expresses. it's pretty hard to fuck this one up because unlike the first example you have already set a low standard and she's used to being treated poorly. the next day she will complain to you about her friend in the first category being a gold digger and reiterate that she's happy just knowing you care and that she doesn't need flashy gifts. she's lying, but it's important to reinforce this with more apathy and small outbursts of unasked for affection now and then in order to maintain this comfy state. don't fuck this up.

the "i can't believe you fucked this up" type.

this is a martyr, she has been waiting for you to disappoint her all year. nothing you could have done on this day would be acceptable, so your best bet is to spend a little money and surprise her with something the next day. you're really going to have to pay attention to clues with this woman, watch for the eye rolls and the resigned sighs. if she does either of these things when you give her flowers then you need to spend some cash the next day and get her a vase to put them in and a massage from a reputable local spa. no matter what you do you will have to "make up" for it the next day so don't go overboard and blow your budget. leave some money left over to "fix it". don't fuck this up.

the "i hate valentines day" types.

this woman has been burned in the past and you will not be getting a gift from her. you will have to trick this woman into thinking that you care about the holiday and want to get her something. if you don't do this, she will think that you are an asshole and have no interest in helping her wade through her emotional baggage left over from the other assholes she's dated. it's important not to go overboard with her, she will scorn anything extravagant. you need to get her a simple card and imply that it's more fun for you to "pick things out" and "hope she likes it" than it is for you to get something in return. she will feel like an ass for not getting anything for you and you will be elevated above the other guys that she has dated. if done correctly, this might implant in her head the idea that you shouldn't be continuously punished for the mistakes of everyone else she's dealt with in her life. for you, valentines day is a golden opportunity to make your life with her easier in the future. don't fuck this up.

categories that men fall into on valentines day:

the "i hope i get this right" type.

he is struggling to figure out what he can do to please his girlfriend/wife on this day and praying that he doesn't screw it up. give him a break, he's trying.

the "i couldn't care less, i do plenty for her all the time" type.

he is getting dumped on valentines day. if not on that day, then soon after. he will deserve it. how hard is it to pick up a card and try to be on time? what a dick.

i hope that this little guide has been helpful to everyone who plans on celebrating/living through valentines day. keep in mind that even if you don't particularly care for the sentiment of the day it still can be a fun opportunity for all involved to express things that ordinarily sound stupid or feel silly coming out unprovoked.

i also would like to say that i feel i have developed an intimate relationship with all of you and look forward to receiving whatever gifts you feel are appropriate. please keep in mind that green is my favorite color and i'd rather have you all pitch in on one big gift than get a bunch of little crappy gifts that i will sell at the next yard sale. and i don't think that gift cards or money are tacky and impersonal. don't fuck this up.