I wrote about my friend Roy's passing last year, briefly. I wasn't then and I'm still not quite ready to lay our shit out on front street. I likely never will be and that's fine, because God knows nobody is asking me to run my mouth. Tonight though, because of Roy, I've been listening to a dumb Michael Buble song, "I Want To Go Home", over and over again.
A few years back Roy asked me if I had
any Michael Buble music. He was a little older than me and had never
made it into the computer age, so he called me when he had a question
about directions or wanted a cd burned or needed to know what year the
Moors invaded Italy.
I got so used to those calls, "Hey,
you at the computer? Do me a favor and look up what's his name, the
round earth guy, what year was that?"
"Yeah him. Hurry up, Kenny's being a dumb ass about this"
I'd provide the needed info and we'd say our I love you's and get off the phone.
maybe six or seven years ago Roy asked me if I had any Michael Buble,
and I didn't, of course, because I'm not a twelve year old girl or a
sixty year old woman. Because it was my job for years to do these small
biddings of Roys, I asked around and it turned out that a coworker of
mine was a Buble fanatic. I burned all of his cd's for Roy, and he was
happy enough with that. The only cd's in Roy's truck were the cd's I'd
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, except
that I've been listening to that song all night and I can see now why
Roy liked at least that track.
When I think back on the
relationships I've had, the thing that strikes me is that I tend to have
a better relationship with people once there's nothing left to lose.
The battle has to be over, maybe that's a testament to my stubbornness.
Roy and I spent a few rocky but passionate years together, and and then
we took our time for the next ten years just loving each other.
look around at the flotsam and jetsam of my life and Roy is everywhere,
I wore a tshirt he gave me the other day, some dumb band from a show he
bounced that neither of us ever heard of again. I sleep in the bed
that I helped him move from his storage container to my old house. I
wear a chain he bought me. His shit in my life has stood the test of
time. Don't get me wrong, he was no sugar daddy and I've never been a
shower me with gifts diva, we just did things for each other. It wasn't
perfect until it was over.
So I've been listening to
this song that is the epitome of cheese, and I love it. I'm reminded of
Roy's sweet thick voice, "You do for me and I do for you", not an "if"
equation, but a simple statement of the open exchange of affection and
kindness that always ran in the deep currents between us.
Sayonara B.D. Royale, it's been an absolute pleasure, I look forward to seeing you again.