Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Forever and Ever Amen

The divorce rate has been nearly nonexistent since the introduction of marriage term limits in 4092.  The first contract marriage occurred between 470 year old trillionaire lawyer to the stars, Dwayne Burger, and Sissy Bunny, the 110 year old Girl Toy he'd gotten with his McTaco King's Big Kid's Sexy-Grande Meal.  Prior to meeting Sissy, Dwayne Burger had been divorced 17 times, and left a widower 4 times.

It was rumored the 4 wives that time forgot had allowed themselves to die of old age rather than stay married to Dwayne.  This, of course, wasn't true.  Dwayne was a kind and attentive husband, father, grandfather, great grandfather, etc etc.  It was his professional reputation and the fact that people had plenty of time to talk that had led to this cruel rumor.  The truth was that lots of people opted out of the hormone replacement therapy that had kept Dwayne and his newest bride looking like 40 year olds despite their geriatric status.  Getting old is a lot easier when you're incredibly rich.  The 4 dinosaur wives had watched their children and grandchildren grow.  All four of these dead women had been smart, so when they got tired of being important, rich, educated, talented, and loved, they understood already that the only alternative to their boredom with opulence and happiness was bound to be a monstrous disappointment.  What do you get the woman who has everything?  A coffin.

Once a person opts out of the hormone program, we know, there is no going back.  The treatments have to begin before the 40th birthday and must be continuous in order for the chemical delivery bridge to remain intact.  This bridge is formed during the first injection.  The new hormones blend with the body's natural hormones and an artificial template is formed that continues to regenerate itself with each treatment.  In this way, the person's own hormones are doing the heavy lifting with the artificial hormones acting as a sort of renewal agent.  Once this bridge collapses, there is no getting it back.  There is no way for the ancient body to recreate on its own the younger hormones needed for the initial pairing.  The dying process happens fairly quickly, assuming of course, that the person is beyond whatever their natural life span might have been.  These 4 lovely and bored wives had all died within a few months.

Dwayne's remaining 17 wives had all initiated divorce proceedings against him.  These divorces shouldn't be held against Dwayne.  When you've got all the time in the world a vow to stay married "forever" becomes more of an entertainment challenge than a love challenge.

The galaxy record for the longest active marriage is 299 years.  This magnificent testament to marital devotion was set by Ed and Mary Love of Feenix Mexizona.  Ed and Mary were childhood sweethearts when an explosion in the meth lab that employed them cost Ed an eye and Mary her ears.  The young couple were eternal optimists, however, and took this tragedy as a reminder that life was much too fleeting to be wasted.  They married and vowed to live each day as though it was their last.  Together Ed and Mary raised 39 children on Ed's salary as a meth salesman and Mary's disability check.  The couple were on their 299th annual anniversary family reunion cruise when Mary tragically bludgeoned Ed to death with an ashtray before jumping into the ocean.

When Dwayne Burger set his sad wet brown eyes on Sissy Bunny's dark curls and hourglass figure, it was love at first sight.  Sissy, likewise, instantly fell victim to Dwayne's rakish but sad good looks and his intelligent and kind demeanor.  While Sissy was no gold digger, the obvious money Dwayne possessed didn't hurt his case.  Dwayne's chauffeured Helio-car hadn't even left the landing pad before Sissy had ripped the McTaco King time card chip from behind her ear and crushed it beneath her red and yellow patent leather boot.

Unlike Dwayne who had been around the marital grindstone a few times, Sissy had never tied the knot.  She made decent money as a Girl Toy and the hours were flexible, allowing her time to pursue her many hobbies.  Sissy Bunny had been raised to keep herself busy.  This was an important quality in a world where the safety net of retirement and then death were no longer available to catch you when you stopped wanting to wake up in the morning.  When Sissy Bunny wasn't grinding expertly against her McTaco King customers she enjoyed knitting, fly fishing, hang gliding, baking, and painting, and was only 3 lessons shy of receiving her helio-car license.

Of course when Dwayne and Sissy strolled into the Marry-Mart with a pre-nup drafted by Dwayne himself limiting their marriage to 10 years, the talking heads assumed it had been the trillionaire's idea.  He was, after all, supporting 17 ex wives and a multitude of children.  Forever is expensive, even for the very very rich.  In reality it had been Sissy Bunny's insisted upon stipulation.  Sissy didn't want her first marriage to end in a bitter divorce and she enjoyed her life too much to not want to leave herself an escape hatch.  The idea was that if 10 years rolled by and they wanted to enter into another 10 year contract, they could do so.  Inaction at the end of the 10 year period would simply result in a no-fault annulment.

Dwayne and Sissy had 3 children over the next several decades, finally letting their marriage slip into a pleasant and good willed annulment after their youngest had gone off to college.

Their innovative and common sense approach to the soul crushing banality of eternity stands as a model to us all.

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