Kevin was 92yrs old when he was brought to Earth to play victim in a classic schoolboy prank. Typically in such a shenanigan the boy's friends would wait a short distance away with their ship camouflage activated. They would watch giggling while their victim searched frantically for his only way home. Unfortunately, World Gov soldiers were heavily patrolling the area these unlucky boys had chosen for their trick. Kevin's terrified friends flew away under a barrage of bullets and missiles while the alien child lay prone and in shock on the ground.
utter stillness of Kevin's small body and his wide glazed lavender eyes
were what ultimately saved him from being slaughtered by men and women
trained to shoot aliens on sight. There was no doctor among these
soldiers, though that hardly mattered. No doctor on Earth was equipped
to guess at the anatomy of the many aliens who had suddenly begun
dropping out of space onto the planet like flies onto a picnic plate.
The soldiers thought Kevin was dead. They tagged and bagged him and
laid him in the back of a truck bound for the nearest World Gov medical
It wasn't until Kevin was on Dr.
Hitler's autopsy table deep in the restricted area of the center that
the purple boy's full horror burst through the still surface of his
shock. Kevin sat up and screamed. And then he screamed again. And
again. Kevin's scream was a consonant filled shriek like none Dr.
Hitler had ever heard. We write "moo" when referring to a cow's low,
and we write "arf" when referring to a dogs bark. The truth is that we
don't have the right letters to accurately convey the language of most
of Earth's denizens effectively. Human alphabets are incredibly
And so to Dr. Hitler, whose area of
expertise lay in forensic biology and not in linguistics, and who had an
incredibly limited alphabet with which to record his findings about
this creature, it sounded as though the creature was screaming "Kffn
kffn kffn kffn kffn kffn kffn!"
the purple alien with the wide lavender eyes was screaming "Shit shit
shit shit shit shit shit!". Of course Dr. Hitler had no way of knowing
this, having never heard of planet Ffffff or it's complicated language.
Hitler was related in no way to the famous 20th century German Nazi
party leader. His father and his father's father, etc etc back through
his long family line, had learned to brutally condemn and openly resent
the most famous Hitler as a way to both atone for and defend their
family name. Another longstanding family habit of the Hitler men was
their often overblown displays of compassion and kindness. Perhaps this
trait was a natural inclination, and perhaps it was another way to
distance themselves from their unfortunate connection and establish a
more favorable reputation. Either way, it saved young Kevin's life.
Twice in one day the boy had avoided a nearly certain death. Not bad.
Hitler's highly attuned empathy and sensitivities recognized right away
that the alien was screaming in terror rather than aggression. He did
the only thing he could think to do, Dr. Hitler held his finger to his
lips and whispered "Shhhhhh" again and again. Kevin calmed himself, not
because of the kind doctor's bizarre soothing technique, and only partially because he
realized he wasn't being murdered or eaten alive by the grizzled pale
creature before him.
is the sound newborn babies make on planet Ffffff while they struggle
for breath before they receive their breather bugs and names. The
aliens of planet Ffffff live a pseudo-parasitic life with the breather
bugs. A millennia ago, the atmosphere of planet Ffffff became mostly
unbreatheable due to an excess of volcanic activity along with some
particularly violent solar flares which fried the air. The breather
bugs have the remarkable ability to breathe in anything and then
flatulate out a mix of gases, primarily hydrogen sulphide. These gasses
are what the aliens of planet Ffffff needed in order to live. Most of
planet Ffffff's scientific community believe that the reason their
atmosphere existed in that particular mixture is that these breather
bugs were busy for billions of years filling the planet's atmosphere
with their farts. Aside from the breather bugs that were given to new
babies on their naming day, these slug like creatures were a well
protected species. Harming a breather bug resulted in the perpetrator's
own breather bug removal and release into the wild.
heard the shhhhhh and thought the doctor must be an Earth baby, this was what ultimately calmed him. The thoughtful and considerate boy wondered where
the baby's guardians were, or if it had guardians, and if it was a
male, female, or both, and he wondered what kind of creatures would
leave a stranger from another world with a baby. The doctor thought
that "Kevin" would be a good name for this alien boy who had shouted out
"Kffn" so many times.
Dr. Hitler made some calls and
used nearly all of the professional favors he'd accumulated during his
35yr career in order to get a live study area for Kevin. This live
alien study area began as a few rooms and later grew to an entire
facility with Dr. Hitler at the helm and the beautiful purple boy at his
side. Of course over the years the boy learned that the doctor was a
full grown human adult, although 65yrs seems very young to a race that
can easily reach 300. And the good doctor learned that he had
inadvertently named the boy who would become his dearest friend and
The pair were famous for both the
quality of their research and results and for the unfortunate side
effects of working closely with hydrogen sulphide farting slugs.
Through Kevin, the doctor learned that the slug asexually produced and
could be made to vomit out a small cluster of shimmering green eggs at
the end of it's reproductive cycle once every five years. These eggs
matured rapidly and the new breather bugs began to go to work
immediately changing the atmosphere inside of Dr. Hitler's laboratory
into a mixture of rotten eggs and dog shit. Kevin loved it, the
laboratory smelled like a home that he missed dearly. Dr. Hitler spent
5,000 GovBucks a week on air freshening devices, colognes, and fruity
It took the pair working with a few brave
interns 30yrs, 6 reproductive cycles, and countless failures to altar
the slugs enough through genetic manipulation to flatulate oxygen rather
than hydrogen sulphide.
The extremely health
conscious, ironically, were the first to sign up to have farting slugs
inserted into their throats. The rationale was pollution based. A
person with a breather bug installed could jog down a city street during
rush hour traffic and happily breathe in nearly tangible black smog and
goo with no ill effects. Public safety workers who were often exposed
to unsanitary air and smoke situations were the next to sign up en
masse. Once the benefits were fully realized, most factories opted to
force their employees to accept free breather bug installation under
pain of higher medical insurance costs. It wasn't long before the
government got involved due to extensive lobbying from corporations who
were tired of paying medical bills and keeping sanitary conditions.
Within five years, factories with fully bugged staff were offered looser
internal pollution restrictions. With a breather bug, it was no longer
possible to get a lung or throat disease from the job.
ten years the pollution boon caused by the dramatic lessening of
restrictions had killed off 30% of the world's flora and fauna. The
answer, of course, was more farting slugs. Each factory was required by
law to maintain a live and healthy field of breather bugs of the same
square footage as the factory itself. This seemed to work.
Aaron Fonzie Hitler died peacefully in his sleep at the ripe old human
age of 103 with his dear young friend Kevin by his side. Kevin lived
for another 130 years before taking one of Dr. Hitler's great nieces,
Fannie Hitler, 78yrs old, as a wife. Kevin took Fannie's last name.
Both Fannie and Kevin died two weeks apart just ten years later after a
well funded and quiet retirement.